Day +2: Cautious Optimism

Forward: It was a day of little drama. I was exhausted. Anyone who knows me well will know that the quiet is usually a great opportunity for me to do some quality overthinking, but I was starting to surprise myself. I had been learning about positive psychology for a few years and on day +2 I put this learning into practice.

Day +2

The next morning the doctors were concerned. Overnight I had put out just 500ml of fluid after drinking close to 3 litres. I had gained about 7kg during the surgery and was well and truly bloated, but none of this excess fluid was making its way to my kidney(s). Even my old worn out organs were dry, whereas they had been a pee making machine 72 hours earlier. The doctors made positive noises but I was picking up mixed messages. There was no hiding their concern. The way these things work, they explained, is that the urine flows first and the kidney function follows. Sometimes it is very quick – even immediate – but for others it can take some time. This was day 2 post-op and they expected more. They told me to keep drinking water and that they were not concerned, but later a junior doctor came to take more blood and explained that they needed it because they were! I had though as much.

Until this point I had been in a state of mild trepidation. Overnight, my levels (of the bad stuff – creatinine, potassium etc.) had increased again (the rebound), but not by as much as the previous day. There was a clearly battle commencing within me and, whilst not yet landing any winning blows my new kidney was putting up a fight. There was always the chance that the transplant could die or be rejected and need to be removed, but I really could feel vitality returning. It is very difficult to explain but was quite something. It took a little while for me to process but my trepidation ultimately gave way to cautious optimism. Negativity is a Demon that feeds on the mind. It infects your thoughts and spreads to every nerve ending and I couldn’t allow that to happen. I took stock of the catheter tube, now strapped to my left leg, full of bloody fluid and drank another jug of water.

Coupled with this optimism, another source of comfort was experiencing the operation and knowing that no-one had to go through a live-donor operation on my behalf. My Dad had been being worked up to donate one of his kidneys to me. He is in his 70’s and while I know he would do anything for me, including going under the knife, I was told that recovery is often harder for a donor than it is for the recipient. Physically I was having a thoroughly horrible time. After a several hours sleep and no-pain relief I was a crumpled mess. Knowing that Dad was now relieved of this obligation was a source of genuine joy. I hadn’t realised how heavily this concern had weighed on my mind until it was lifted. I went back to my magic junkie button.

That evening I got an spontaneous visit from my surgeon. I had been on his mind and he had called into the hospital to check my progress on his way out for the evening. We were both relieved to see my catheter bag filling up with more waste water than with blood. I had been chucking water down my face like a puppy attacking a hosepipe and mercifully, it was starting to filter through. Getting up to pee was not something I needed to do – I had been in bed all afternoon and the waste made it’s way down the catheter tube under gravity. He also checked my wound, congratulated me on doing well, and left to attend to his dinner date a happy man. This was the kind of dedication that was typical of all the staff on Ward 726. Coming back to work after a 12 hour shift to check on a specific patient was pure dedication and that night I went to sleep contented and happy.

Post Text: I have had a lot of very kind comments about my positive outlook. A few years ago I was introduced to my friend Catriona, who became my coach and mentor. She showed me that I was in possession of all the tools I needed climb out of the hole I’d dug myself into at the time. Little did I know where life would eventually lead me. What she taught me has proved invaluable in my journey so far and I owe Catriona so much. Thank you mate, I couldn’t have done it without you. D x