I am 7-months post-transplant today and have been doing a lot of reflecting lately. One of the things that struck the me most about my period of sickness and recovery to date, as well as this whole pandemic thing, was the importance of friendship. I wrote in my last blog that I was consciously counting my blessings at the start of every day. I quickly discovered that, after the happiness of actually waking up and the joy of being blessed with a loving and supportive family, friendship – one of the high-points in life – quickly rose to the top of my list.
C.S. Lewis said that ‘friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art. It has no survival value, rather it it is one of those things that give value to survival’. Us humans are social beasts and communal by nature. We congregate in familiar groups of similarity and shared interest. We seek belonging. Our our capacity for and need for empathy, compassion and communication is in our DNA. Just lately, online spaces have been increasingly important for this sense of belonging and community. In the grand scheme of things social media has a lot to answer for, and while it absolutely has it’s place in the modern world and pop-culture, it is also a monumental distraction that has clearly hampered our ability to listen and communicate with each-other properly. As a population I worry that we’re getting rapidly out of practice when it comes to the art of conversation, losing our ability to be good participants and good listeners and that this national lockdown has only made it worse.
Friendships are our very first voluntary relationships. We have no choice about the family we are born into, but we get to go out and choose our friends. And we need friends; collaborators and accomplices to share ideas and skills with and help achieve our fabulous goals in life. We need friends for reassurance, because we are full of fear and doubt (which is part of the human condition), people to reassure us and validate us emotionally. We need people who, when we are in their company, we dare to be our peculiar selves, people who can share our pitfalls and indiscretions, who we talk to and think ‘you too? I thought I was the only one!’. We need friends to help clarify our minds; when our thoughts are jumbled and messy a clear-thinking friend will hold us to task and tell us what we need to hear. And we need friends for fun. The rules say that we shouldn’t have fun, that we should be sensible, serious adults. But we all need people with who we can be thoroughly silly and who will enthusiastically share in our pointless pursuits. Friendship is like taking shelter under a tree.
While I was sick, despite having a strong support network of loved-ones to call upon, I missed the company of my friends. I desperately wanted to go out and be with people; to be involved in activities, to see people with my own eyes and to talk face-to-face. For much of the time I simply couldn’t. I could put on a brave face when required, but I would quickly become worn-out and overwhelmed. It was a sobering reminder that people generally don’t fake being poorly, they fake being OK. This last 12 months we have relied on digital communication like never before, and while it is a godsend for some, these channels also tell fibs. Social media particularly, tends to present only high points with onlookers simply drawing a parallel line between these highs and inferring a life of contentment and happiness. But the truth is often far removed. Just lately, even from my privileged vantage point, I have been feeling the weight of lockdown. But all the while, I remind myself that some people have had to endure chronic illness and/or this wretched lockdown alone.
So I’ll end with a rallying call. Please reach out to your friends… you know the ones. That person with whom you have a lasting and affectionate relationship, but haven’t seen in person for more than a year. These relationships may feel like they are becoming sanitised or superficial, but they’re not, I assure you. I was talking to a good friend the other day and we were saying how when we met, we didn’t so much make a friend as recognise one. That is a special thing, and when you see them again it’ll still be there, I promise. Friendships endure. But while the end of this terrible pandemic may be in sight, your friend may not be OK. They may well need you right now. It’s been a long, long time already, and I can assure you a lot can happen in a year! Don’t put it off… send that message, make that call, be that caring and attentive friend that you’re waiting to be once more. Contacting a friend costs very little effort and reaps great rewards. After all, a friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be.
Laters…
#R24TRC 