You can’t have failed to have noticed that the pace of the world around us has suddenly picked up. For better or for worse, things are opening up and there is a vague semblance of normality in the air. With it, there appears to be a new sense of urgency to post-pandemic life. We have all missed out on so much, the priority to see people we have missed, to catch up, and to do all the things we have been unable to do is almost palpable. It has also dawned on many of us that we genuinely may not get another chance. I have not been immune to this mild, collective panic, and have been swept along by the (almost mandatory) joie de vivre. In fact I was more than willing, as my busy mind really does not want me to be still. However trying to be simultaneously spontaneous and organized is quite an accomplishment, especially since I tend to err towards disorganized routine. Besides, spontaneity requires a certain amount of energy in reserve, and just lately, I seem to have had barely enough for day-to-day living. I think I may have have found my limit.
The past year has taught me that living with a transplant is a subtle exercise in regulating both physical and mental health, and I have achieved this with varying degrees of success. Now I am 1-year post op, the doctors seem content to leave me alone to get on with life, I just have to work out what that looks like for me. I know what I’m aiming for – well-being and as close to a ‘normal’ life as possible – but I have realised that if I want something, I have to aim myself towards it, as the chances of it happening by itself are next to non-existent. The window of success is also staggeringly narrow, so I am having to reorient my whole life towards achieving this goal. This may seem like a load of self-help mumbo-jumbo, but in reality, the name of the game is simply to make sure that by the end of they day, I’m better off than at the beginning. Get enough sleep, take my meds on time, exercise regularly, eat well… the usual stuff. A little progress every day adds up to a lot.
However, over the course of the summer, I have found myself getting increasingly exhausted. I even found myself having to take afternoon naps again, and having difficulty sleeping at night. Both are unwelcome reminders of a previous life, hallmarks of a cluttered mind with not enough down-time. So I asked myself, what was it I doing that was setting me back? As it turns out, it was a little bit of everything. Working, socialising, parenting and exercising was leaving very little time for very much else. And I still had all that to do! I knew I had to start treating myself like I mattered. That doesn’t mean being selfish or self-absorbed, rather I had to start treating myself as a priority – as I would any other person I cared about. So this past few weeks I have been embracing rest, deciding I have no time time for anything that makes me feel bad or causes fatigue. Apart from running, obviously, which is oddly the most relaxing part of my day. I even let a couple of league races go. I could have run them, but I knew I would have run my shorts off, which would ultimately have been counter productive.
I’m also still struggling with my sleep patterns, and if anything this has been getting worse over time. This new kidney is very efficient, and wakes me up regularly throughout the night, but I’m no stranger to broken sleep. My kidney and transplant area also aches a lot, sometimes feeling like I’ve been kicked in the belly. The painkillers the doctor gave me are very effective, but don’t half mess with my sleep. But I think the main reason my sleep seems to be getting worse is that the world has sped up, and I have been clinging on for dear life because I’m afraid to let go. But now I’ve figured it’s best to get off the merry-go-round in an controlled fashion before I get flung off and land in a heap. And yet, I have not found it easy at all.
I’m guessing that a big reason many of us struggle with rest is because our ‘always on’ culture has taught us to look down on people who are not being outwardly productive or optimising their time. But this is usually at the expense of their mental and physical health. The stakes really couldn’t be higher, and it is a dangerous trap to fall into, especially when you’re recovering from something. And make no mistake, it is a trap. And I definitely don’t have any time for guilt or any kind of associated spiritual fatigue. Projected or otherwise. Another reason I have found it difficult is because I spent so long in an enforced state of recess, being deliberately still now feels like idleness. A waste. But some things cannot be avoided, and there’s a knack to not letting things that are out of our control, control us. When my computer stops working I power it down to reset it, and it almost always does the trick. I’m 44 years young and it’s taken me this long to figure that it could also work for me.
Someone told me recently that “people struggle with sleep because sleep requires peace”. I felt that.
So Instead of running headlong towards my goal, I am trying to remember that sometimes, the fastest way to there is to go slow. As my ultra-running friend Kathryn often points out, a fast walker is always stronger than a broken runner. Burnout culture has a lot to answer for, and we can’t fix burnout with a bit of time off, it has to be a way of life. So let’s ditch the notion of constant busyness being admirable behavior, and lets normalise taking time to play like we did when we were kids and doing things that make up happy. As I often tell my beginner runners, rest is an essential part of our training routines, so I really should practice what I preach. Self-care is not an indulgence, it’s essential maintenance, and our most important relationship is the one with ourselves.
Laters…
#R24TRC 